Happy Birthday Erin

11 years ago today, I became the mom of a 10lb. 4 oz little girl...her name is Erin Nicole. It was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. Happy because I knew I had a little girl, sad because she was stillborn. I was full term, really no complications with the exception that I was diabetic; hadn't gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy and walked (in hot Oklahoma weather) at least twice a day to keep my blood sugars down. I did everything right, didn't smoke, didn't drink, no illegal drugs, I may have even watched the amount soda I drank and especially the amount of food. I was so heartbroken that I felt that it was a waste of time that I tried so hard to stay healthy. Tyler had just turned 2 in October, he was so much fun; always happy and laughing. I found out that she had died on the 18th when I went in for a NST (non-stress test), I still remember that day like it was yesterday. The feeling of someone choking me and that I couldn't get any air, I just wanted to run out of the hospital and keep running and running until it all went away. It didn't go away as much as I prayed, cried and hoped. The Dr. wanted me to stay and have her the next morning. I wasn't ready for Christmas and had to get home to finish that for Tyler...he didn't understand anything and it had to be "normal" for him even if it really wasn't normal, he couldn't know. So I opted to keep the 20th of December (the day that was already scheduled for my c-section) the same. I remember going home to tell my husband and my Dad (my parents had come in for it and my Mom was at the hospital with me). The first thing I did was run into Tyler's room to make sure he was ok, and hug and kiss him, he was already in bed when we got back. I don't remember much from the hospital to then...I don't even know how I got home. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, to tell them that she had died. I remember hearing my dad crying in the garage (my Mom took him out there to tell him) and I had to tell Jim, I didn't want to. I felt like such a failure, like it was all my fault, I was the one carrying her so how could it not be? I felt even worse knowing that my parents had been through a similar situation with my brother, who died when I was 6 months old (he was 3). It was horrible to have to see the pain in their faces and know that somehow it was my fault. The funeral directors in Oklahoma and here in Michigan were wonderful...very supportive and helping with the costs, as we were young and really had no money for this type of thing. You just don't think of these things. We had her flown back to Michigan and buried next to my brother because my parents already had plots and we didn't have anything like that at the time. I wasn't able to go though, my Dad and husband went back with her and took care of everything there. I was recovering from surgery; I wish now that I had forced myself to go; I regret not being there and really feel guilty sometimes. Wonder what people thought that the mother didn't even go to her own daughters burial. That time seems a blur sometimes, I can recall certain things but not a lot. I just wanted to be alone, but had a wonderful friend there that didn't allow that and pulled me out of my self-pity and got me back into life. She was such a blessing to me in so many ways. So...today, on her 11th birthday I am feeling rather deprived. I carried her for 9 months, felt her kick and all the things that go with being pregnant; sickness, stretch marks and surgery to boot but I don't have a child to show for it. Today I guess I will go out to her grave and say Happy Birthday to my little girl.

Germany?!?

Well, where do I start?!? Ok, I guess with the begining (oh my gosh I am sounding like that song about do re me...ughh!! and that was in Germany, oh no!!!). Ok, *deep breath* Today started off good, I took the kids out to IHOP for breakfast and then we headed to the library to do our schoolwork and get some books (always works out good there because they wouldn't dare argue at the library :-D ) Well, breakfast was good only I think I drank too much coffee and was feeling a little jittery so we get done what we brough and head home. I get home to find out my hubby called, this would be yucky only now I can call him back, I don't understand this so I can't even explain it. So we are talking and everything and he says..."How set are you on moving to Virginia?" Ok, well just by saying that I have learned that obviously we aren't going to be going there...this has happened more times than I can count. Ok, so I bite, why? What did you have in mind (hoping he has a job and will be retiring-HA! fat chance!)? Well as you can probably assume by now from the title of my blog his is now on orders for Stuttgart, Germany due to report at the end of July. Ok, so most of you out there are probably like, no big deal...you are an army wife/army family you are used to it. Well yes, there is some truth to that. But I am finding that each move is harder and harder on our family, and this one may prove to be the hardest yet. The last time I lived overseas was 13 years ago, I was alot younger and I just would have followed my husband wherever (not that I wouldn't now because I am going to; but I am just really frustrated). Anyway, I feel somewhat oppressed, I don't even know if that makes any sense but at this point I don't care if I make sense. I am excited to see new places and give those opportunities to my children but for 3 years?!? They are going to miss their grandparents soooo much (as am I even though living here right now has made me nuts). My mom WILL NOT fly there, my Dad will come and visit without her I am sure (he was stationed in Germany in the 60's) so I guess I will just have to hope and pray that nothing happens to them while we are gone. I am not really sure if I will be able to afford to fly home each summer to visit them like we usually do (well we drove here normally, that would pose a problem now). I am a what if person (someone had a blog on that I think but I can't remember who...was it MST?) What if my parents die? What if my husband has to go back to Iraq or deployed somewhere else and I am in a foreign country by myself, what if I can't fit all of our household items in our quarters (this is a given). What if? What if? What if? Ok, need another *deep breath* I studied German in HS and College so that is a good thing, and I am all about visiting all the castles and stuff over there, not to mention going to Poland to get polish pottery BUT!!!!! (isn't there always one of them?!?) I don't want to be there for 3 years. What about Victoria's figure skating that she is LOVING and Tyler's Civil Air Patrol, then we have to find another church and friends and how to get to the grocery store or the commissary (and do they even have one of those?) Ok, on to the subject of our household items, when J deployed we had most of our things packed up and put in storage until he got to his next post...big (not big, HUGE) problem, the housing in German is soooo small that you have to separate the things that you ablsolutely need from those that you can live without for 3 years. Oh and I just looked at the housing that is there and well if its what we are getting there are no laundry hookups?!? So what the heck does that mean, I buy new clothes each week and throw the dirty ones away?!? And usually there are no closest either, I guess Germans just throw their clothes out, no need to wash them. Then there is the dog, in which we will have to pay to have shipped over there and she is such a wimp the 6+ hour travel time over there just may kill her and then...what do I do with her when we come back here to visit?!? Do we just not come back here?!? Ok, I have to stop because I am getting a little crazy here...I am sure some of you remember how crazy I was just before J's deployment...I will manage, I always do, you just suck it up and soldier on (sadly sometimes your heart gets a little hardened in the process). Thanks for listening to me complain...I promise I will get over it and won't complain until next summer when we plan our move, although I may have to vent here and there. :roll: HWAH!!! My life in a nutshell. ps) and I think I have an ear infection to boot...doesn't that just suck!

What are you Thankful for?

So...what can I write about??? I think I am pretty much out of stuff. Ok, what about holiday traditions?!? I am not sure that we have any for Thanksgiving. I do remember that my Dad, before we ate and prayed sometimes would read a poem that related to Thanksgiving. One time we all sat down to find 5 kernals of Indian corn on each of our plates (or maybe it was 3, can't remember for sure). So we all had to come up with at least that many things that we were thankful for and share with everyone. As a child I would be really shy to do that (even around just family, I was very shy...guess I pretty much overcame that as I got older). I wonder what he will do for Thanksgiving next week, I like that my children experience the same things that I had. I want them to "think" about what they are truly thankful for. Not just the usual kid things, like all of their toys and stuff, but what are they thankful for that can't be replaced. I guess I would love to hear, "I am thankful that my mom homeschools me." Maybe a little early in their life to truly appreciate that though. So here are 3 things that I am thankful for: God Family Country But that is rather generic, why am I thankful for these things and more? God: The source of my exsistence whom without I would be nothing. The lover of my soul (why I do not know). And the only one to offer unconditional love and forgivess, not to mention his only son. Thankyou. Family: Love, the supporters of all that I do (usually) The only people on this earth that will be there for me if I need them. Country: I love my country. I am thankful that I have the freedom to worship whom I choose and when and where also. I am saddened to think that this could someday be taken away from us because so many out there take it for granted that they will always be able to do what they want. I am proud to be a US citizen and proud of the soldiers/airman/marines/sailors that protect our country. What a great place we have. So these are just 3 of the things that I am thankful for...I guess the most important to me; there are so many, many more... What are you thankful for?

My Earliest School Memory

When PBB posted this as our topic for today, I thought to myself, what in the world can I write about...then it hit me, and this one has to be rather two fold...a couple of different memories of school. First off, I am an only child...so I didn't have the brother and sister thing going on (which makes it difficult for me to understand mine sometimes). And in the neighborhood I grew up with there were mostly boys. So, when I was three my mom put me in a nursery school so that I would have some little girls to play with. This was maybe 2 or 3 days a week for a few hours a day. Ok, I really didn't like it and remember crying when my mom or dad would drop me off. Well eventually I guess they took me out and I didn't go anymore. I will tell you why I didn't like it, I got spanked there (I don't think I told my right way). Well, the reason I got spanked was because I flushed the toilet! I remember that we all lined up to use the bathroom, I think after we had playtime outside, I am not even sure if the door was closed between children. So we all lined up to use the bathroom and after every child was "done" after we were ALL done, then...they flushed the toilet...ONCE!! Can you believe that, I was only there for a few months and finally threw such a fit that my parents didn't make me go anymore. The lady there told my mom that she would have problems with me in kindergarten, which she didn't (except for the next story that I will tell you). I always loved to go to sunday school or anywhere else that they took me that had childcare while they were doing their thing so it was definitely this place. Shortly after I quit there it closed. Wonder if someone investigated them or what, the bldg is still around but it is a old dilapidated bldg. now. Ok...so my next memory would be in kindergarten, funny this also involves the bathroom (seems that would be my problem for a few years). My teacher, Mrs. Monticelli, was an older lady that DID NOT belong teaching anymore, especially to a group of little kids. One day, I guess I had an "accident" and went to the bathroom to try and clean myself off. Well, I used too much toilet paper and flooded the toilet. I didn't tell anyone, I was embarrased about it. (side note, remember the toilet paper they used, little tiny sheets that were smaller than a kleenex?) Anyway, somehow she found out and I had to stay after school, I got in trouble yet again for something to do with the toilet. Maybe at this point I just quit using them at school altogether, it would seem that they were bad luck to me. My Mom was not happy with her about that (why she didn't contact the school admin I have no idea, I would have been down their throats). Thankfully my neighbor who was a few years older than me had stopped to walk home with me and got me. Well, the next year someone got her back for me (well not on purpose but it just seems funny). The teacher tripped over her chair, fell and broke her arm. I know that isn't funny really but the fact that we have remained friends for years and years (about 35) was just funny. Like she was getting her back for being so mean to me. She retired after that (thankfully). Well...those are my earliest memories of school, all revolved around a toilet!

My Favorite Sweater

Well, I have made it this far, I think this is my 4th day of blogging if I manage to get this one posted. For those of you that don't know...November is National blog post month (or something like that). I have posted on another site that I am on, just haven't moved them over to this site yet...attemping to follow the post a day thing. So my subject is my favorite sweater. I received it quite a few years ago, but it was in perfect condition. It is 100% wool, a plum color with some white stitching on the edeges. I wear it all the time and used it more or less as a coat. It is so warm and comfortable, it is no doubt my favorite sweater. Well, for the summer it had been in the basement since there was no need of it. I actually had forgot all about it, like I do most of my winter clothes when the get packed away for spring and summer. So...yesterday I come home from dropping off my son for Sylvan (yes, I put him in for math again...although he is right at grade level, I want a jump start on some things and am hoping to get into Algebra next year) and I am on the computer putzing around. My daughter is jumping up and down and wanting to tell me something and my Mom keeps telling her NO! I have no clue what they are talking about...whatever just let me have 10 minutes to myself. My daughter proceeds to leave the room, I don't know what she's doing...just glad for some peace to myself and trying to enjoy it as it just doesn't happen very often. If it isn't my kids, then its my parents or the dogs. Well, she then comes in the room with something behind her back...my Mom is sitting there too not happy with whatever it is she has. She brings the "surprise" that is behind her back in front of her. At first I don't know what it is...then I look a little closer... IT IS MY SWEATER!!! I am so shocked, I just couldn't understand what in the world happened to my sweater. I wanted to cry, remember, it's my favorite. Well, my sweet mother, in whom I truly appreciate...washed it. I quite frankly don't know what she did (maybe it was in hot water-she says it was more lukewarm, or not cold enough water) but it is completely ruined. Basically it looks like she felted it (washing natural fibers in hot water will felt them really a pretty cool process when it is on purpose...but not when it is on accident ). I said, ok...whatever (remember what that word actually means when said by a woman?!?). I told her she could have the sweater, she is a very tiny woman...It shrunk so much and is in such bad proportion that it wouldn't even fit her!! So, I had to say goodbye to my favorite sweater yesterday, it is rather ironic I guess...the person that ruined it is the one that bought it for me

The Newest Addition

Here we were doing school and having a pretty productive morning (this doesn't happen often). The phone rings and its for me, I always hate phone calls during the morning hours of school. Its Barnes and Noble, huh? thinking to myself *I didn't order anything why are they calling?* So I answer the call and am pleasantly surprised when they tell me that Victoria won the contest she entered the previous month. Most of you know (and attend) the American Girl Club at the Barnes and Noble bookstore...she absolutely loves it and was so excited that they had it here in Michigan too and wouldn't have to miss out because we had moved. Well, last month they entered a contest to win the new 'Julie' doll from American Girl...I had forgot all about it until the phone call (although I am sure that Victoria didn't). I really didn't think that we would win, isn't that how everyone enters a contest? Nice if I won but not counting on it? So I get the call in the morning and of course Tyler and Victoria heard me talking and I had to tell the little white lie because I was just going to take her there and surprise her (also because if she found out then the rest of the day would be "I want to go and get my doll"). So after we have a "birthday lunch" with my Dad and get our school work done we head out...Tyler by then knew that she was getting it (and I guess he handled it ok, because the little green eyed monster likes to pop out sometimes..."I don't win anything" which I am sure he has in the past I just can't remember what right not). So we get to the store and I tell the clerk and they call back to whoever to bring up the doll...Victoria was so surprised by it she was speechless...she just kept looking back and forth from me to the woman who gave her the doll looking somewhat confused...I thought maybe she would have got more excited but I think she was just so shocked that she didn't know what to say...plus that and being shy. It was pretty excited for her and myself. Julie is a really cute doll from the 70's (yup now they are making dolls from the era that I grew up in...scary for me. She is the newest edition to our American Girl Collection, wonder if she will be the doll Victoria picks to go to the American Girl Store in Chicago in a couple of weeks?

Our Busy, Busy Week

Well we made it through another week of school, this week wasn't quite as filled with "work" as the last weeks have been so we have had somewhat of a reprieve. We were busy with activities though; skating lessons, CAP, Wed. night youth group and pioneer girls, gym class, art classes, shark dissection and Tyler's big overnighter with the youth group...didn't sleep at all (currently though he has come home and went straight to bed).

So...although I thought I wouldn't get as involved in things this school year as in previous years, we are back to pretty much packed (with a few more things that we still need to add...where are those instructions for adding more hours to my day???)

Yesterday was the "big" end to our week culminating in dissecting a dogfish shark. The kids were kind of leery of it as they have never done anything like that before (and I wasn't too crazy about it either but I had to hide that because I wanted them to be excited about it.) Well it was supposed to take place at a church in the beginning but it had to be switched to a pavilion in a park because of the smell/oiliness (is this a word?) of the specimens. Which was such a blessing that it was a gorgeous day, with a slight breeze to help take away the odor.

We got there and the little (well actually they were pretty big for a dissection) sharks were out and on their trays ready for all the inquisitive children to start carving them up..oof! The kids did very well (as did their apprehensive mother) and I was pleasantly surprised. We cut open the shark examined all the "stuff" inside, learned what they were and so on and so forth...the one neat thing was when we cut open the stomach/ilium and found the treasures inside. Well our sharks didn't have anything (guess they were starving) but some of them had some tiny shrimp in them and one had a partially digested fish...really sounds pretty gross but it was interesting. Glad the kids had the opportunity to do this and really the price was rather inexpensive...only $11 for each shark.

This is the first real activity that we have done with this home school group up here and there are sooooo many kids, it is huge. Makes it difficult to get to know people though. Although there is one woman involved and she grew up down the street from me (small world). I was told that they usually do 2 dissections a year, I am anxious to know what the next one is. When I was in high school we only did a frog and a fetal pig. The other biology class did a cat. I still have some issues with the dissection and especially being exposed to the formaldehyde but all in all it was a great experience for all of us.

On Friday mornings we have classes at a local church here also. Victoria is taking a clay class where she sculpts something from clay, the teacher fires it brings it back and then they paint it and fire it again, now its ready to take home. She is really enjoying that class and looks forward to Friday mornings (partly too because they don't do much "school work" that day). Tyler is taking wood carving which I think he is enjoying with the exception of cutting himself frequently. These classes run through sometime in January, not sure if I like how long they last or not, we'll see if we sign up for anything else next semester (gets pretty pricey too).

Last night Tyler had his first overnighter with the youth group at the church we probably will be eventually attending. I think he had fun although he is soooo tired and rather grumpy I am not going to cross him at all today. I think he had fun though, they left on buses at 8pm...first stop, bowling; bowled a couple of game with the glow bowling and they it was off to this sports center that has dodgeball, basketball, soccer, volleyball, ultimate Frisbee, flag football, inflatable things, movies and food. What more could a teenage boy want (well maybe a little sleep but that wasn't on the venue last night. Some of the kids (mostly girls I think) brought sleeping bags and their pillows and whatever else they wanted to bring but as far as I know the majority of the kids DON'T sleep at all...they returned this morning at 7 a.m. and I am so thankful for Tyler's friends dad who picked him up too and brought him home so I did not have to get up at 6 to go and get him.

Today is my Mom's birthday, we bought her a bowling ball...strange yes, but as my parents get older I am finding it harder and harder to find gifts for them...I hate the same old thing, flowers, candy, clothes...I am all about finding unique unexpected gifts for people and I think a bowling ball fits that. She can't go bowling with us because she needs a really really light ball (like the kiddie balls for bumper bowling) but her knuckles won't fit in the holes for those balls. So now she will have a really cool pink sort of stripey ball and get it drilled just for her fingers. Guess we are going out to dinner tonight too but she hasn't decided where, we are just waiting on her decision.

So it will be one birthday down 3 more to go...October is a really busy busy month of birthdays for us (4 just in our family) Tyler's is next and he wants an iPod...not sure if that's what he will be getting or not. He will be 13 next week and I wanted to get him something special for it but I can't think of anything, so if you all have any suggestions please send them my way. Otherwise I may succumb to the iPod or maybe another bowling ball???

Next birthday is mine, followed by my Dad's a week later (and throw in a friend or two during that time also...its like Christmas in October in our family. Victoria just said last night that she wished her birthday was in October also...oof! I can't afford another birthday in October, but in all actuality it would be kind of cool...my brother was born in October also.

So, time to get moving and start with the first of the birthdays today, have to run out for wrapping paper and cards this morning, better get started now here is a picture of our dissection, well I meant for them to be at the bottom and it didn't work that way, hmm??? Have to practice more I guess.

Catching up/changing blogs

This is my new blog site I guess...still trying to figure it out in all that spare time I have...HA!!! I have a blog on the yahoo 360 page, but I can't do as much as I would like with it so I am attempting this one. I thought about using typepad like Becca (Hi Becca!) and Terri (Hi Terri!) and I might just do that in the future, but right now I am going to stick with the FREE one. :>) Well school has been going ok, we have been doing it for almost 3 weeks I think, I know all of you in Georgia are past that 4 week fog...or however many weeks it takes to get back into doing schoolwork. We are using Tapestry of Grace this year and I am really liking it, although it has quite a bit of reading and that certainly isn't Tyler's favorite thing to do, I think we are learning alot more than we have in the past (of course this means way more work for myself also). Our average day is way more than the 2-4 hours we had been doing it...I am still trying to iron out all the kinks and get things running a little more smoothly. Maybe by the end of the first unit I will actually have a "set" schedule of events. Tyler has been going to the rec center with his grandpa and lifting weights...wow...he is pretty strong. I told him I was doing 30 lbs on the machines for my legs and he laughed at me...smartie pants...I think he was doing over 100 or something but it was alot more than I can do. He is also running on the treadmill, when he came home and told me I was like...WHAT??? You are actually exercising, total shock set in. Jim is doing well I guess...we miss him here and can't wait until he is done with this tour. He is looking at retiring more seriously than he had been, I think he has been putting in alot of applications everywhere around here that he can. I am not sure though that I want him to retire. I certainly don't want him to deploy again but part of me feels like I am losing my identity. I got used to army life and seeing different places, meeting different people and now that he is ready to get out I am not sure that I am. But whatever he wants, if he isn't happy at work then we won't be happy at home. I guess that is about it for catching us up...I will continue to post my blogs on both this and my 360 page until I get this all together.