Happy Birthday Erin

11 years ago today, I became the mom of a 10lb. 4 oz little girl...her name is Erin Nicole. It was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. Happy because I knew I had a little girl, sad because she was stillborn. I was full term, really no complications with the exception that I was diabetic; hadn't gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy and walked (in hot Oklahoma weather) at least twice a day to keep my blood sugars down. I did everything right, didn't smoke, didn't drink, no illegal drugs, I may have even watched the amount soda I drank and especially the amount of food. I was so heartbroken that I felt that it was a waste of time that I tried so hard to stay healthy. Tyler had just turned 2 in October, he was so much fun; always happy and laughing. I found out that she had died on the 18th when I went in for a NST (non-stress test), I still remember that day like it was yesterday. The feeling of someone choking me and that I couldn't get any air, I just wanted to run out of the hospital and keep running and running until it all went away. It didn't go away as much as I prayed, cried and hoped. The Dr. wanted me to stay and have her the next morning. I wasn't ready for Christmas and had to get home to finish that for Tyler...he didn't understand anything and it had to be "normal" for him even if it really wasn't normal, he couldn't know. So I opted to keep the 20th of December (the day that was already scheduled for my c-section) the same. I remember going home to tell my husband and my Dad (my parents had come in for it and my Mom was at the hospital with me). The first thing I did was run into Tyler's room to make sure he was ok, and hug and kiss him, he was already in bed when we got back. I don't remember much from the hospital to then...I don't even know how I got home. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, to tell them that she had died. I remember hearing my dad crying in the garage (my Mom took him out there to tell him) and I had to tell Jim, I didn't want to. I felt like such a failure, like it was all my fault, I was the one carrying her so how could it not be? I felt even worse knowing that my parents had been through a similar situation with my brother, who died when I was 6 months old (he was 3). It was horrible to have to see the pain in their faces and know that somehow it was my fault. The funeral directors in Oklahoma and here in Michigan were wonderful...very supportive and helping with the costs, as we were young and really had no money for this type of thing. You just don't think of these things. We had her flown back to Michigan and buried next to my brother because my parents already had plots and we didn't have anything like that at the time. I wasn't able to go though, my Dad and husband went back with her and took care of everything there. I was recovering from surgery; I wish now that I had forced myself to go; I regret not being there and really feel guilty sometimes. Wonder what people thought that the mother didn't even go to her own daughters burial. That time seems a blur sometimes, I can recall certain things but not a lot. I just wanted to be alone, but had a wonderful friend there that didn't allow that and pulled me out of my self-pity and got me back into life. She was such a blessing to me in so many ways. So...today, on her 11th birthday I am feeling rather deprived. I carried her for 9 months, felt her kick and all the things that go with being pregnant; sickness, stretch marks and surgery to boot but I don't have a child to show for it. Today I guess I will go out to her grave and say Happy Birthday to my little girl.

Germany?!?

Well, where do I start?!? Ok, I guess with the begining (oh my gosh I am sounding like that song about do re me...ughh!! and that was in Germany, oh no!!!). Ok, *deep breath* Today started off good, I took the kids out to IHOP for breakfast and then we headed to the library to do our schoolwork and get some books (always works out good there because they wouldn't dare argue at the library :-D ) Well, breakfast was good only I think I drank too much coffee and was feeling a little jittery so we get done what we brough and head home. I get home to find out my hubby called, this would be yucky only now I can call him back, I don't understand this so I can't even explain it. So we are talking and everything and he says..."How set are you on moving to Virginia?" Ok, well just by saying that I have learned that obviously we aren't going to be going there...this has happened more times than I can count. Ok, so I bite, why? What did you have in mind (hoping he has a job and will be retiring-HA! fat chance!)? Well as you can probably assume by now from the title of my blog his is now on orders for Stuttgart, Germany due to report at the end of July. Ok, so most of you out there are probably like, no big deal...you are an army wife/army family you are used to it. Well yes, there is some truth to that. But I am finding that each move is harder and harder on our family, and this one may prove to be the hardest yet. The last time I lived overseas was 13 years ago, I was alot younger and I just would have followed my husband wherever (not that I wouldn't now because I am going to; but I am just really frustrated). Anyway, I feel somewhat oppressed, I don't even know if that makes any sense but at this point I don't care if I make sense. I am excited to see new places and give those opportunities to my children but for 3 years?!? They are going to miss their grandparents soooo much (as am I even though living here right now has made me nuts). My mom WILL NOT fly there, my Dad will come and visit without her I am sure (he was stationed in Germany in the 60's) so I guess I will just have to hope and pray that nothing happens to them while we are gone. I am not really sure if I will be able to afford to fly home each summer to visit them like we usually do (well we drove here normally, that would pose a problem now). I am a what if person (someone had a blog on that I think but I can't remember who...was it MST?) What if my parents die? What if my husband has to go back to Iraq or deployed somewhere else and I am in a foreign country by myself, what if I can't fit all of our household items in our quarters (this is a given). What if? What if? What if? Ok, need another *deep breath* I studied German in HS and College so that is a good thing, and I am all about visiting all the castles and stuff over there, not to mention going to Poland to get polish pottery BUT!!!!! (isn't there always one of them?!?) I don't want to be there for 3 years. What about Victoria's figure skating that she is LOVING and Tyler's Civil Air Patrol, then we have to find another church and friends and how to get to the grocery store or the commissary (and do they even have one of those?) Ok, on to the subject of our household items, when J deployed we had most of our things packed up and put in storage until he got to his next post...big (not big, HUGE) problem, the housing in German is soooo small that you have to separate the things that you ablsolutely need from those that you can live without for 3 years. Oh and I just looked at the housing that is there and well if its what we are getting there are no laundry hookups?!? So what the heck does that mean, I buy new clothes each week and throw the dirty ones away?!? And usually there are no closest either, I guess Germans just throw their clothes out, no need to wash them. Then there is the dog, in which we will have to pay to have shipped over there and she is such a wimp the 6+ hour travel time over there just may kill her and then...what do I do with her when we come back here to visit?!? Do we just not come back here?!? Ok, I have to stop because I am getting a little crazy here...I am sure some of you remember how crazy I was just before J's deployment...I will manage, I always do, you just suck it up and soldier on (sadly sometimes your heart gets a little hardened in the process). Thanks for listening to me complain...I promise I will get over it and won't complain until next summer when we plan our move, although I may have to vent here and there. :roll: HWAH!!! My life in a nutshell. ps) and I think I have an ear infection to boot...doesn't that just suck!