Happy Birthday Erin

11 years ago today, I became the mom of a 10lb. 4 oz little girl...her name is Erin Nicole. It was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. Happy because I knew I had a little girl, sad because she was stillborn. I was full term, really no complications with the exception that I was diabetic; hadn't gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy and walked (in hot Oklahoma weather) at least twice a day to keep my blood sugars down. I did everything right, didn't smoke, didn't drink, no illegal drugs, I may have even watched the amount soda I drank and especially the amount of food. I was so heartbroken that I felt that it was a waste of time that I tried so hard to stay healthy. Tyler had just turned 2 in October, he was so much fun; always happy and laughing. I found out that she had died on the 18th when I went in for a NST (non-stress test), I still remember that day like it was yesterday. The feeling of someone choking me and that I couldn't get any air, I just wanted to run out of the hospital and keep running and running until it all went away. It didn't go away as much as I prayed, cried and hoped. The Dr. wanted me to stay and have her the next morning. I wasn't ready for Christmas and had to get home to finish that for Tyler...he didn't understand anything and it had to be "normal" for him even if it really wasn't normal, he couldn't know. So I opted to keep the 20th of December (the day that was already scheduled for my c-section) the same. I remember going home to tell my husband and my Dad (my parents had come in for it and my Mom was at the hospital with me). The first thing I did was run into Tyler's room to make sure he was ok, and hug and kiss him, he was already in bed when we got back. I don't remember much from the hospital to then...I don't even know how I got home. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, to tell them that she had died. I remember hearing my dad crying in the garage (my Mom took him out there to tell him) and I had to tell Jim, I didn't want to. I felt like such a failure, like it was all my fault, I was the one carrying her so how could it not be? I felt even worse knowing that my parents had been through a similar situation with my brother, who died when I was 6 months old (he was 3). It was horrible to have to see the pain in their faces and know that somehow it was my fault. The funeral directors in Oklahoma and here in Michigan were wonderful...very supportive and helping with the costs, as we were young and really had no money for this type of thing. You just don't think of these things. We had her flown back to Michigan and buried next to my brother because my parents already had plots and we didn't have anything like that at the time. I wasn't able to go though, my Dad and husband went back with her and took care of everything there. I was recovering from surgery; I wish now that I had forced myself to go; I regret not being there and really feel guilty sometimes. Wonder what people thought that the mother didn't even go to her own daughters burial. That time seems a blur sometimes, I can recall certain things but not a lot. I just wanted to be alone, but had a wonderful friend there that didn't allow that and pulled me out of my self-pity and got me back into life. She was such a blessing to me in so many ways. So...today, on her 11th birthday I am feeling rather deprived. I carried her for 9 months, felt her kick and all the things that go with being pregnant; sickness, stretch marks and surgery to boot but I don't have a child to show for it. Today I guess I will go out to her grave and say Happy Birthday to my little girl.